For those not in the geeky know, this is Deadpool:
And this is Meroko (from the manga/anime Full Moon o Sagashite):
Tracking
Sunday, March 13, 2016
Planning Stuff
I have a new plan, methinks. Or at least a continuation of the original. I think after I've lost most of the weight, I'd like to get into a bit of strength training, see if I can build up a tiny bit of muscle. I've never really had muscles before (that weren't weak and covered in fat, at least), and thought that it might be nice. It'd make the Deadpool cosplay I'm planning on making look better, as well. Is it bad that one of the reasons I'm trying to lose weight is a cosplay? Mind you, I want to lose weight for a messload of other reasons, the main one being my self esteem, but that Deadpool cosplay is definitely among them. *shrugs* If it gets me to exercise and lose weight safely, it can't be that bad, right? And if I lose weight and get toned, Deadpool isn't the only character I've been dying to cosplay as for a damn long time. Hello Meroko cosplay!
For those not in the geeky know, this is Deadpool:
And this is Meroko (from the manga/anime Full Moon o Sagashite):
For those not in the geeky know, this is Deadpool:
And this is Meroko (from the manga/anime Full Moon o Sagashite):
Saturday, March 12, 2016
Mission Accomplished!
First work out done! Sort of...
I say "sort of" because it was more of a "desperate trip to the store to get knock-off Midol because oww cramps" than a deliberate work out. But hey, I haven't done that much almost-exercise in forever, so I'mma count it, dammit. Kinda proud that I even made it. Though it did make me realize that from now on, when I go on walks, I need to wear my new tennis shoes, because the old ones, while comfy af, do not treat my poor feet properly. Also, I really need some better ear phones.
Oh, and on a random note, if I can keep up this "actually exercising" thing, I plan on eventually buying myself this shirt (because I am such a fucking geek).
Heh heh heh. Can you tell what my favorite movie is?
 |
| Oops, just noticed that I forgot to change my last name. Probably oughta go fix that now... |
I say "sort of" because it was more of a "desperate trip to the store to get knock-off Midol because oww cramps" than a deliberate work out. But hey, I haven't done that much almost-exercise in forever, so I'mma count it, dammit. Kinda proud that I even made it. Though it did make me realize that from now on, when I go on walks, I need to wear my new tennis shoes, because the old ones, while comfy af, do not treat my poor feet properly. Also, I really need some better ear phones.
Oh, and on a random note, if I can keep up this "actually exercising" thing, I plan on eventually buying myself this shirt (because I am such a fucking geek).
Heh heh heh. Can you tell what my favorite movie is?
Minor Update
I just found out that MyFitnessPal lets you add in your exercise without making you also add in your food intake. That means that I can use it to log all my exercise as well as update that nifty weight tracker thingie I have at the top of this blog. Cool, no?
Though sadly, no real exercising for at least a few days, due to my monthly kill-me-please-ness. I know that exercise is supposed to help relieve the cramps, but when it hurts so bad that you can barely walk, I don't think Pilates is going to be happening. Not even yoga. Well, definitely not on the first day, and probably not the second, either. I do have to walk a mile each way in a little bit to buy more Dollar General knock off Midol, though, so that technically counts as exercise. If I can make it, at least. Owwie...
Though in good news, a friend of mine offered to start going on walks with me. She doesn't live very far from me, so it won't be a big hassle for her that'll make me feel all kinds of guilty. Yays! Add that to the fact that Ben said he'd be willing to exercise with me, too, and you have a happy Amber. Mind you, I doubt I'll be able to get him to do any exercise videos with me, but at least I'll have a second walking partner. Besides, I'm okay doing exercise videos alone, because it means I can cuss out the people on the screen as much as I want. Yes, I heckle the people on the DVD. It gets me through easier, though, so I feel no shame. Besides, sometimes it's really funny. I used to amuse my mom with it when I still lived in Lakeview. I only had the one DVD back then, though, so I'd started to memorize the damn thing. Makes it easier to know where to put the proper insults, yanno?
Owwwwwww.............
Though sadly, no real exercising for at least a few days, due to my monthly kill-me-please-ness. I know that exercise is supposed to help relieve the cramps, but when it hurts so bad that you can barely walk, I don't think Pilates is going to be happening. Not even yoga. Well, definitely not on the first day, and probably not the second, either. I do have to walk a mile each way in a little bit to buy more Dollar General knock off Midol, though, so that technically counts as exercise. If I can make it, at least. Owwie...
Though in good news, a friend of mine offered to start going on walks with me. She doesn't live very far from me, so it won't be a big hassle for her that'll make me feel all kinds of guilty. Yays! Add that to the fact that Ben said he'd be willing to exercise with me, too, and you have a happy Amber. Mind you, I doubt I'll be able to get him to do any exercise videos with me, but at least I'll have a second walking partner. Besides, I'm okay doing exercise videos alone, because it means I can cuss out the people on the screen as much as I want. Yes, I heckle the people on the DVD. It gets me through easier, though, so I feel no shame. Besides, sometimes it's really funny. I used to amuse my mom with it when I still lived in Lakeview. I only had the one DVD back then, though, so I'd started to memorize the damn thing. Makes it easier to know where to put the proper insults, yanno?
Owwwwwww.............
Gonna Try This Again
I keep trying to lose weight and then quitting. That's because I'm a quitter. I get discouraged because I see no results (or end up gaining, because my body hates me), then I feel completely hopeless and give up. Why should I suffer so damn much and get nothing from it? I always think that.
I'm not just a quitter with losing weight, but with everything in my life. I get really into something, and then my motivation evaporates quickly. I get really into writing, get a few pages done on my novel or write a few tiny flash fiction pieces and then just... stop. I start cleaning the house, and get a few things done that weren't before, and most of the laundry and dishes and whatnot done, then... do nothing for a week and it looks worse than when I started. I get extra into blogging, and update a few times, and feel really excited about it, and all the things I plan to do, and then... stop updating for months on end. I get really into exercising and dieting, and I download apps to help me with new workouts and go back onto MyFitnessPal and look up YouTube videos, and I maybe even lose a few pounds, and then... Well, you get the idea, I'm sure. I do this with everything. But I need to stop that. Permanently.
I was in F.Y.E. earlier, trying to find a second shirt in XXL (they were having a sale where if you buy one shirt, you get the second one 75% off). They had one Deadpool shirt that I liked, so I was looking for a second one since it'd only be about $5. They had about 25 or so other shirts that I liked (a few more Deadpool ones, and a bunch of others), but I couldn't find an XXL in any of them, and the size difference between their XL and their XXL was ridiculously huge. It got me so depressed that I felt like curling up into a ball on the floor and crying, in the middle of a store in the mall on a Friday night. I can't... I can't deal with being fat any more. I can't afford the nice clothes that come in my size (fuck you, Torrid, for everything even remotely decent looking being $40+), and the stuff I can afford at Walmart and such is beyond hideous 90% of the time, and that's only when I can find something that even fits in the first place (a lot of their stuff in "my" size is way too small, even if something else the exact same size fits perfectly or is even a little baggy). Every time I look at myself, I hate myself, and often when I look down when I'm naked, the sight makes me want to throw up (but I know I can't be bulimic, because I tried, repeatedly, as a teenager). I can't buy the clothes that I want, I can't fit in the seats at a lot of places (so glad I'm not in college right now, because it hurts to sit in those auditorium seats the big classrooms have because my thighs are so damn wide), the seat belts in my car only fit if I'm not wearing a coat, I can't shop in the stores that I want, people sometimes give me looks of disgust when I'm out in public (I know that it's not everyone, thankfully, but I have seen more than my fair share of those looks, especially in clothing stores that aren't exclusively plus-size), and I'd rather cut off a toe than wear a bathing suit in public most days. I'm pretty sure most of my back problems are from the positions I sleep in at night, since my ass and hips are so much bigger than the rest of my back and stick out so much.
And that's not even counting how ungodly out of shape I am. I get really winded climbing up one flight of stairs, I get winded doing most basic chores, I can't breathe at all if I climb up to the second floor from the basement carrying a basket of laundry. Hell, going to the grocery store tends to kill me dead for at least an hour or two afterwards, and that's if it's only a twenty minute trip to Aldi.
I need to lose weight and I need to get into shape, and I need to do it 15 years ago. Since that last part isn't actually an option (unless somebody knows of a magic spell or potion...), I'm going to have to settle for losing weight and getting into shape now. Dieting has never really done much, and dieting alone, no matter what kind, does almost literally nothing for me. Doesn't matter how many calories I cut, what "special" foods I consume and in what quantities, it doesn't pretty much jack. My friend lost 200 pounds by cutting back to only 1,500 calories a day. If I did that, I might lose about 20 pounds. In five years. Maybe (but not likely). So that means I need to exercise, and exercise a lot. Mind you, I'm not going to be a dumbass and thank that, as long as I walk a mile a day, I can eat nothing but ice cream and brownies and candy and milkshakes. I'm pretty sure the last time I was that stupid, I was a kid (and thoughts like that aren't stupidity when you're that young, they're wishful thinking). I'm going to cut back on the junk, not eat out too often, stuff like that, of course, but I'm not going to count calories, I'm not going to eat ass loads of salads, I'm not going to eat 90% vegetables and fruit and do cleanses constantly where I only eat cabbage soup. I'm going to eat like a normal person, but I'm going to start exercising.
Maybe the calorie counting was one of the big problems? Whenever the number looked too high, I was a lot more likely to feel hopeless and give up. Unfortunately, I'm still going to have to pay attention to the number on the scale, but maybe if that's the only number I have to worry about each week, that'll help. Not saying that calorie counting doesn't help lots of other people, just that it only ever hurts me, specifically. So no MyFitnessPal this time. I think I will try and start logging everything on MapMyFitness, though. Those numbers will help. 2 miles walked. 45 minutes of cardio. 350 calories burned. Yeah, those numbers I could get behind. ^_^
But yes, trying again. And this time, I'm going to force that fucking scale to tell me pretty numbers, and if it doesn't, I'm just going to keep it up until it does. I will make that scale my bitch. I will exercise. I will lose weight. I will fit into smaller clothing sizes. I WILL reach the 100s for the first time since about 6th grade. I WILL!
I'm not just a quitter with losing weight, but with everything in my life. I get really into something, and then my motivation evaporates quickly. I get really into writing, get a few pages done on my novel or write a few tiny flash fiction pieces and then just... stop. I start cleaning the house, and get a few things done that weren't before, and most of the laundry and dishes and whatnot done, then... do nothing for a week and it looks worse than when I started. I get extra into blogging, and update a few times, and feel really excited about it, and all the things I plan to do, and then... stop updating for months on end. I get really into exercising and dieting, and I download apps to help me with new workouts and go back onto MyFitnessPal and look up YouTube videos, and I maybe even lose a few pounds, and then... Well, you get the idea, I'm sure. I do this with everything. But I need to stop that. Permanently.
I was in F.Y.E. earlier, trying to find a second shirt in XXL (they were having a sale where if you buy one shirt, you get the second one 75% off). They had one Deadpool shirt that I liked, so I was looking for a second one since it'd only be about $5. They had about 25 or so other shirts that I liked (a few more Deadpool ones, and a bunch of others), but I couldn't find an XXL in any of them, and the size difference between their XL and their XXL was ridiculously huge. It got me so depressed that I felt like curling up into a ball on the floor and crying, in the middle of a store in the mall on a Friday night. I can't... I can't deal with being fat any more. I can't afford the nice clothes that come in my size (fuck you, Torrid, for everything even remotely decent looking being $40+), and the stuff I can afford at Walmart and such is beyond hideous 90% of the time, and that's only when I can find something that even fits in the first place (a lot of their stuff in "my" size is way too small, even if something else the exact same size fits perfectly or is even a little baggy). Every time I look at myself, I hate myself, and often when I look down when I'm naked, the sight makes me want to throw up (but I know I can't be bulimic, because I tried, repeatedly, as a teenager). I can't buy the clothes that I want, I can't fit in the seats at a lot of places (so glad I'm not in college right now, because it hurts to sit in those auditorium seats the big classrooms have because my thighs are so damn wide), the seat belts in my car only fit if I'm not wearing a coat, I can't shop in the stores that I want, people sometimes give me looks of disgust when I'm out in public (I know that it's not everyone, thankfully, but I have seen more than my fair share of those looks, especially in clothing stores that aren't exclusively plus-size), and I'd rather cut off a toe than wear a bathing suit in public most days. I'm pretty sure most of my back problems are from the positions I sleep in at night, since my ass and hips are so much bigger than the rest of my back and stick out so much.
And that's not even counting how ungodly out of shape I am. I get really winded climbing up one flight of stairs, I get winded doing most basic chores, I can't breathe at all if I climb up to the second floor from the basement carrying a basket of laundry. Hell, going to the grocery store tends to kill me dead for at least an hour or two afterwards, and that's if it's only a twenty minute trip to Aldi.
I need to lose weight and I need to get into shape, and I need to do it 15 years ago. Since that last part isn't actually an option (unless somebody knows of a magic spell or potion...), I'm going to have to settle for losing weight and getting into shape now. Dieting has never really done much, and dieting alone, no matter what kind, does almost literally nothing for me. Doesn't matter how many calories I cut, what "special" foods I consume and in what quantities, it doesn't pretty much jack. My friend lost 200 pounds by cutting back to only 1,500 calories a day. If I did that, I might lose about 20 pounds. In five years. Maybe (but not likely). So that means I need to exercise, and exercise a lot. Mind you, I'm not going to be a dumbass and thank that, as long as I walk a mile a day, I can eat nothing but ice cream and brownies and candy and milkshakes. I'm pretty sure the last time I was that stupid, I was a kid (and thoughts like that aren't stupidity when you're that young, they're wishful thinking). I'm going to cut back on the junk, not eat out too often, stuff like that, of course, but I'm not going to count calories, I'm not going to eat ass loads of salads, I'm not going to eat 90% vegetables and fruit and do cleanses constantly where I only eat cabbage soup. I'm going to eat like a normal person, but I'm going to start exercising.
Maybe the calorie counting was one of the big problems? Whenever the number looked too high, I was a lot more likely to feel hopeless and give up. Unfortunately, I'm still going to have to pay attention to the number on the scale, but maybe if that's the only number I have to worry about each week, that'll help. Not saying that calorie counting doesn't help lots of other people, just that it only ever hurts me, specifically. So no MyFitnessPal this time. I think I will try and start logging everything on MapMyFitness, though. Those numbers will help. 2 miles walked. 45 minutes of cardio. 350 calories burned. Yeah, those numbers I could get behind. ^_^
But yes, trying again. And this time, I'm going to force that fucking scale to tell me pretty numbers, and if it doesn't, I'm just going to keep it up until it does. I will make that scale my bitch. I will exercise. I will lose weight. I will fit into smaller clothing sizes. I WILL reach the 100s for the first time since about 6th grade. I WILL!
Friday, January 22, 2016
Let's Try This Again, Shall We?
So, I return. I'm going to actually start trying to lose weight again, and figured I might as well start using this blog for it, too. The kinda sad part is, the fact that I was less than a dozen pounds away from being 300 isn't what motivated me, it was the fact that one of my friends lost enough weight to be under 200 (for those in the know, the term for that is one-derland, but Ben and Logan and Levi keep teasing me about it, so from now on I won't say it around them until I reach it). Although if jealousy is enough to get me to do it, then that's better than nothing, right?
Unfortunately, I found out this fact after having gone to Aldi and bought a fuck-ton of junk food and sweets, so since I hate wasting food, I gotta finish all of that off before I can start eating healthy. And I gotta wait until Aunt Flo leaves before I'm capable of exercising (fuck you too, cramps). I think I might start logging on MyFitnessPal today anyway, just to see what my calorie intake looks like when I'm being a human-sized glob of fatty fat fatness. I set it up to have me lose two pounds a week, so that sets me at 1,520 calories a day. Yeah, going way over that for awhile.
But yeah, I severely hate myself lately. A lot of my clothes don't fit any longer. I recently had to throw away one of my favorite pairs of jeans because I busted out the zipper (when you wear jeans that are too small for too long, that tends to happen). Every time I'm in public and see skinny women, I feel like bursting out crying. Whenever I'm already depressed about something else, I actually have to concentrate on not crying for real. I'm pretty sure the reason I have such back problems is because my ass and hips are fucking enormous, too. So losing weight... yeah, I literally need to.
At least Ben wants us both to join a DietBet next month. Maybe that'll help. I think I know how I screwed up the last one, too, so I might have a chance of succeeding. I'm at 286 pounds right now, so I'll have to lose... *calculates 6%*... 17 pounds....... Fuck, never mind, I have no chance whatsoever, fuuuuuuck...... Gonna do it anyway, though, cuz I need to lose some damn weight.
(EDIT: It's only 4%, not 6%. My bad. That's only 11.44 pounds. MUCH more doable.)
Hopefully, this time I'll stick to it. I've been morbidly obese for almost two decades now. That is no way to live.
Unfortunately, I found out this fact after having gone to Aldi and bought a fuck-ton of junk food and sweets, so since I hate wasting food, I gotta finish all of that off before I can start eating healthy. And I gotta wait until Aunt Flo leaves before I'm capable of exercising (fuck you too, cramps). I think I might start logging on MyFitnessPal today anyway, just to see what my calorie intake looks like when I'm being a human-sized glob of fatty fat fatness. I set it up to have me lose two pounds a week, so that sets me at 1,520 calories a day. Yeah, going way over that for awhile.
But yeah, I severely hate myself lately. A lot of my clothes don't fit any longer. I recently had to throw away one of my favorite pairs of jeans because I busted out the zipper (when you wear jeans that are too small for too long, that tends to happen). Every time I'm in public and see skinny women, I feel like bursting out crying. Whenever I'm already depressed about something else, I actually have to concentrate on not crying for real. I'm pretty sure the reason I have such back problems is because my ass and hips are fucking enormous, too. So losing weight... yeah, I literally need to.
At least Ben wants us both to join a DietBet next month. Maybe that'll help. I think I know how I screwed up the last one, too, so I might have a chance of succeeding. I'm at 286 pounds right now, so I'll have to lose... *calculates 6%*... 17 pounds....... Fuck, never mind, I have no chance whatsoever, fuuuuuuck...... Gonna do it anyway, though, cuz I need to lose some damn weight.
(EDIT: It's only 4%, not 6%. My bad. That's only 11.44 pounds. MUCH more doable.)
Hopefully, this time I'll stick to it. I've been morbidly obese for almost two decades now. That is no way to live.
Saturday, October 4, 2014
Guilty
All kinds of unpleasant guilt going on right now. I was double-plus-bad today. Not only did I skip doing the full workout that I was supposed to do according to that Blogilates calendar, but I also ate out at Steak & Shake with my friends after Guild. I did attempt the workout before heading to Guild, though. I tried the one-minute plank, only lasting 20 seconds on my best score, and scraped the feck outta my arms because I don't have a yoga mat yet, but then I gave up because everything hurt way too freaking much to continue to the actual workout. Add that to the fact that not only did I eat a meal at S&S (the chicken fingers and fries one), but I ate half of Ben's chocolate chip cookie dough milk shake. So. Many. Calories. So right now, I'm beating myself up like mad crazy over screwing up so badly. Today was bad food choices all around. Ugh. >_<
I'm going to try and write this off as just a temporary, insignificant fail and move on and do better tomorrow, but that guilt's definitely gonna linger for a bit. Not counting what I did and didn't do today, the scale this morning informed me that I only have 9.4 pounds left to go. Hopefully today didn't screw me over too badly.
If my pain pills can kick in soon enough, I might try and toss in some yoga before I go to bed tonight, though. My friend Whitney gave me a few links on Facebook of yoga videos online that are specifically for helping relieve back pain. I've been meaning to try them, and now might be the perfect time.
And I'm starting to wonder if the Blogilates thing is enough just by itself. I'm going to try spacing out those exercises with other cardio workouts (I have a few DVDs, and all of YouTube to play with). If I just do the same thing over and over again, I'm gonna get bored, and so will my muscles. Gotta keep changing things up so nothing gets too easy or boring. Gotta find more YouTube channels full of happy fun workouts I can try. Is there a channel that's just exercise videos for people who are so fat and out of shape that they need to get more in shape before they can even start exercising?
I will do better tomorrow. Healthy food (well, as healthy as I can mange given the shitastic financial situation we're in (that means we're poor)) and plenty of exercise. I'm going to be walking around The Greene a bit both before and after the movie, and I might drag Ben and Zach on another walk, too.
Must burn calories. Must get in shape. Must lose weight. Must stop caving in with all the sweets and other junk food every chance I get. Must exercise!
I'm going to try and write this off as just a temporary, insignificant fail and move on and do better tomorrow, but that guilt's definitely gonna linger for a bit. Not counting what I did and didn't do today, the scale this morning informed me that I only have 9.4 pounds left to go. Hopefully today didn't screw me over too badly.
If my pain pills can kick in soon enough, I might try and toss in some yoga before I go to bed tonight, though. My friend Whitney gave me a few links on Facebook of yoga videos online that are specifically for helping relieve back pain. I've been meaning to try them, and now might be the perfect time.
And I'm starting to wonder if the Blogilates thing is enough just by itself. I'm going to try spacing out those exercises with other cardio workouts (I have a few DVDs, and all of YouTube to play with). If I just do the same thing over and over again, I'm gonna get bored, and so will my muscles. Gotta keep changing things up so nothing gets too easy or boring. Gotta find more YouTube channels full of happy fun workouts I can try. Is there a channel that's just exercise videos for people who are so fat and out of shape that they need to get more in shape before they can even start exercising?
I will do better tomorrow. Healthy food (well, as healthy as I can mange given the shitastic financial situation we're in (that means we're poor)) and plenty of exercise. I'm going to be walking around The Greene a bit both before and after the movie, and I might drag Ben and Zach on another walk, too.
Must burn calories. Must get in shape. Must lose weight. Must stop caving in with all the sweets and other junk food every chance I get. Must exercise!
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Shit Just Got Real
As I mentioned already, I joined DietBet yesterday, and found a really great group called Fitness Warriors (click here if you want to join in with me on this bet). I think the thought of losing that $10 is really helping, too.
Today, I started the Blogilates Beginners calendar. The first day was a full body workout, and holy fuck it killed me dead. The weird part is, now I can't wait until tomorrow when I can try the next video on the calendar.
I think I might've finally figured out how to motivate myself into exercising. I need to challenge myself so that I feel proud for just surviving the workout instead of not feeling winded or anything. Does that make me an exercise masochist? Whatever, it still gets my ass working and sweating. I'm planning on trying some yoga later to help with my back pain. Today is a good day for exercising. So will be every day from now on.
Trust me, guys, this thing kicks major ass so far. I'm going to try and update each day after I do the video(s) to let you know how it goes. I have never been prouder of myself (exercise-wise) than I did when she said that the workout was over, and I had hung on for the whole thing. Usually I only make it through a small portion of an exercise DVD, but I made this video my bitch (and by "made it my bitch", I mean that it killed me on multiple occasions, I may end up throwing up if my stomach is any indication, and I barely survived).
Maybe I do actually have a chance in hell of winning my $10 back. Here's hoping.
Today, I started the Blogilates Beginners calendar. The first day was a full body workout, and holy fuck it killed me dead. The weird part is, now I can't wait until tomorrow when I can try the next video on the calendar.
I think I might've finally figured out how to motivate myself into exercising. I need to challenge myself so that I feel proud for just surviving the workout instead of not feeling winded or anything. Does that make me an exercise masochist? Whatever, it still gets my ass working and sweating. I'm planning on trying some yoga later to help with my back pain. Today is a good day for exercising. So will be every day from now on.
 |
| I'm going to try to follow this every day. |
Trust me, guys, this thing kicks major ass so far. I'm going to try and update each day after I do the video(s) to let you know how it goes. I have never been prouder of myself (exercise-wise) than I did when she said that the workout was over, and I had hung on for the whole thing. Usually I only make it through a small portion of an exercise DVD, but I made this video my bitch (and by "made it my bitch", I mean that it killed me on multiple occasions, I may end up throwing up if my stomach is any indication, and I barely survived).
Maybe I do actually have a chance in hell of winning my $10 back. Here's hoping.
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