I keep trying to lose weight and then quitting. That's because I'm a quitter. I get discouraged because I see no results (or end up gaining, because my body hates me), then I feel completely hopeless and give up. Why should I suffer so damn much and get nothing from it? I always think that.
I'm not just a quitter with losing weight, but with everything in my life. I get really into something, and then my motivation evaporates quickly. I get really into writing, get a few pages done on my novel or write a few tiny flash fiction pieces and then just... stop. I start cleaning the house, and get a few things done that weren't before, and most of the laundry and dishes and whatnot done, then... do nothing for a week and it looks worse than when I started. I get extra into blogging, and update a few times, and feel really excited about it, and all the things I plan to do, and then... stop updating for months on end. I get really into exercising and dieting, and I download apps to help me with new workouts and go back onto MyFitnessPal and look up YouTube videos, and I maybe even lose a few pounds, and then... Well, you get the idea, I'm sure. I do this with everything. But I need to stop that. Permanently.
I was in F.Y.E. earlier, trying to find a second shirt in XXL (they were having a sale where if you buy one shirt, you get the second one 75% off). They had one Deadpool shirt that I liked, so I was looking for a second one since it'd only be about $5. They had about 25 or so other shirts that I liked (a few more Deadpool ones, and a bunch of others), but I couldn't find an XXL in any of them, and the size difference between their XL and their XXL was ridiculously huge. It got me so depressed that I felt like curling up into a ball on the floor and crying, in the middle of a store in the mall on a Friday night. I can't... I can't deal with being fat any more. I can't afford the nice clothes that come in my size (fuck you, Torrid, for everything even remotely decent looking being $40+), and the stuff I can afford at Walmart and such is beyond hideous 90% of the time, and that's only when I can find something that even fits in the first place (a lot of their stuff in "my" size is way too small, even if something else the exact same size fits perfectly or is even a little baggy). Every time I look at myself, I hate myself, and often when I look down when I'm naked, the sight makes me want to throw up (but I know I can't be bulimic, because I tried, repeatedly, as a teenager). I can't buy the clothes that I want, I can't fit in the seats at a lot of places (so glad I'm not in college right now, because it hurts to sit in those auditorium seats the big classrooms have because my thighs are so damn wide), the seat belts in my car only fit if I'm not wearing a coat, I can't shop in the stores that I want, people sometimes give me looks of disgust when I'm out in public (I know that it's not everyone, thankfully, but I have seen more than my fair share of those looks, especially in clothing stores that aren't exclusively plus-size), and I'd rather cut off a toe than wear a bathing suit in public most days. I'm pretty sure most of my back problems are from the positions I sleep in at night, since my ass and hips are so much bigger than the rest of my back and stick out so much.
And that's not even counting how ungodly out of shape I am. I get really winded climbing up one flight of stairs, I get winded doing most basic chores, I can't breathe at all if I climb up to the second floor from the basement carrying a basket of laundry. Hell, going to the grocery store tends to kill me dead for at least an hour or two afterwards, and that's if it's only a twenty minute trip to Aldi.
I need to lose weight and I need to get into shape, and I need to do it 15 years ago. Since that last part isn't actually an option (unless somebody knows of a magic spell or potion...), I'm going to have to settle for losing weight and getting into shape now. Dieting has never really done much, and dieting alone, no matter what kind, does almost literally nothing for me. Doesn't matter how many calories I cut, what "special" foods I consume and in what quantities, it doesn't pretty much jack. My friend lost 200 pounds by cutting back to only 1,500 calories a day. If I did that, I might lose about 20 pounds. In five years. Maybe (but not likely). So that means I need to exercise, and exercise a lot. Mind you, I'm not going to be a dumbass and thank that, as long as I walk a mile a day, I can eat nothing but ice cream and brownies and candy and milkshakes. I'm pretty sure the last time I was that stupid, I was a kid (and thoughts like that aren't stupidity when you're that young, they're wishful thinking). I'm going to cut back on the junk, not eat out too often, stuff like that, of course, but I'm not going to count calories, I'm not going to eat ass loads of salads, I'm not going to eat 90% vegetables and fruit and do cleanses constantly where I only eat cabbage soup. I'm going to eat like a normal person, but I'm going to start exercising.
Maybe the calorie counting was one of the big problems? Whenever the number looked too high, I was a lot more likely to feel hopeless and give up. Unfortunately, I'm still going to have to pay attention to the number on the scale, but maybe if that's the only number I have to worry about each week, that'll help. Not saying that calorie counting doesn't help lots of other people, just that it only ever hurts me, specifically. So no MyFitnessPal this time. I think I will try and start logging everything on MapMyFitness, though. Those numbers will help. 2 miles walked. 45 minutes of cardio. 350 calories burned. Yeah, those numbers I could get behind. ^_^
But yes, trying again. And this time, I'm going to force that fucking scale to tell me pretty numbers, and if it doesn't, I'm just going to keep it up until it does. I will make that scale my bitch. I will exercise. I will lose weight. I will fit into smaller clothing sizes. I WILL reach the 100s for the first time since about 6th grade. I WILL!
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